On our robot overlords

So last night I was watching the documentary Spellbound which is about the annual national spelling bee competition in the United States. I had no idea this thing was such a big deal. These kids are incredibly stressed (well except for this one kid who I felt could have used a nice dose of Ritalin) and there's actually a feeling of celebrity and importance around the winner. Now the documentary is 10 years old but I imagine not much has changed since then in regards to the spelling bee industry. However I couldn't help thinking, does it fucking matter anymore?

We live in an age of technology where a lot of people carry a device around connected to a limitless source of information. Want to know the difference between ignorant and arrogant? Bam, there it is. Writing a long e-mail to the law enforcement explaining the strange sounds coming from your basement and need to know how to properly spell onomatopoeia? Your computer does it for you. Trying to figure out why in your sex life the female orgasm is as mythical as unicorns? There are a million sites willing to let you know (hint: you're doing it wrong).

Every day we seem to be getting closer to lending our memory of what was once common knowledge to Google and Wikipedia. 20% of Americans believe their president (who was criticized for his church's pastor's comments during the elections) is a Muslim and a staggering 50% of Canadian 9th graders think that there is a known cure for HIV/AIDS. (note: can't find a site online with that stat, I got it from an AIDS prevention poster)

As a culture we have more access to information than at any other point in history but our general ignorance seems to have actually increased. Or maybe it's just we're using our memory for things that don't even matter. More people can tell you that Krypton is the home of Superman than Iqaluit is the capital of the largest territory in the country.

Possibly the most concerning part of all of this is we don't even know how all this amazing technology works, we just know that it does and we trust it. It comforts us knowing that if we really wanted to know about any specific topic we can look it up in 5 seconds. But do we ever learn anything this way?

Or maybe I'm out of line and misinformed about the general public. I really don't know anymore and Google doesn't seem to have the answer.

On space popes

I had to use this picture of Mork not
because it's another Happy Days
reference but because it came up
when I Google image searched
Jesus alien.

First off I apologize for the lack of updates this month. I have no excuse. I'm sorry. And I missed you too.

But let's get straight into the greatest headline I've read during the absence.

Pope's Astronomer Would Baptize Aliens

Ok hold on. The pope still has an astronomer?! Why do I picture some dude standing on top of the Vatican with a telescope hollering down every hour; "Nope, don't see God yet! No, no angels either. Yes sir I'll look harder!" 

I wonder if that guy's still pissed off about the Galileo thing? You know like as a professional courtesy. Like how I stopped eating Kellog's cereal after they dropped Michael Phelps because I enjoy swimming (or something like that). Of course what's most interesting about the article is the latter half of the headline.

Guy Consolmagno, the papal astronomer in question, states that he would gladly baptize any intelligent alien we may come in contact with so long as they ask to be baptized. Now there's something the Catholic church is known for - asking permission.

All kidding aside the reason I found this article so fascinating is the idea that there's not only a rational intelligent human being inside the Vatican but he's also a man of science. Now I'm not a Catholic (I'm an agnostic aka 'Atheism LE') and I don't support the Catholic church. However I do know a lot of Catholics and it bugs me that a lot of good people are lumped in with pedophiles and a crazy old man who thinks the Nazis are still a threat and also hides aforementioned pedophiles. It's nice to see there's at least one person at the Vatican who comes off as someone people can actually relate to.

Then again if it takes the Catholic church to baptize an alien before I get behind them that may say a lot more about me than them. But they would immediately lose me if they started hiding pedophile aliens.

On crazy bitches

Now I don't like the general use of the word 'bitch' used in place of the word 'woman' but it can't be denied that some women are crazy bitches. Just as some men are assholes, some frat boys are douche-bags and some babies are fugly. Today my friend Bayley, who is female and totally not a crazy bitch, led me to an article about one from California.

Forty-nine year old Dr. Jacquelyn Kotarac (that's right - doctor) was found dead the other day in her boyfriend's chimney after she jumped down it in an attempt to confront him.

On judicial sex

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

On sex parties (no keys required)

Fun fact for old people!
Most people don't even know who
Chachi is anymore or why Joanie
loves him.

Did you know Optimus Prime died 24 years ago? It's true! The Transformers animated movie came out in 1986 and featured Optimus Prime's death. You know what else happened in 1986? I was born. What's the connection? Absolutely nothing, but I like reminding some of my older readers that they're old.

So old in fact that I've noticed a strange thing happening with my friends. A few of them have started getting married or having children or buying a house or participating in other activities I normally associate with actual adults.

This concerned me quite a bit today when I realized that these activities could lead to me being invited to my very first sex party.

On cops and robbers

After decades of searching the police finally found Waldo -
and beat the shit out of him.

I like the police. I do. I like the idea that there are people out there who's job it is to protect me from violent criminals. The criminals don't have to be violent, but I especially like the police that protect me from the violent crooks.

Unfortunately in reality there's one area where law enforcement agencies around the world seems to continuously fail and it's in their hiring process. It almost seems like for every good cop in the world there's another cop forcibly preventing a newlywed man to take his stroke stricken wife (who is also a cancer survivor and amputee) into a hospital or using a taser against a disabled and blind elderly woman or brutally beating a 15-year old girl in a holding cell or killing an unarmed suspect who wasn't even the right man the police were looking for or attacking peaceful protesters for singing Oh Canada. Clearly there are a lot of shitty cops out there.

Thankfully however these bad examples of police officers aren't a big problem in the never ending fight against crime. Because for every unqualified idiot with a badge there's a stupid criminal.

On being a Habs fan

My friends Jess, Marie-Pier and Marie-Pier talking to the
ghost of Maurice Richard.

When I watched them skate around the ice I must admit I got teary-eyed and choked up.

Now there's something I never expected to hear -  and I ended up hearing it twice. Last season the Montreal Canadiens celebrated their 100th anniversary with a centennial game against their rival the Boston Bruins. To celebrate the occasion before the game the team had gathered the greatest players (still alive) who had played for the Habs and had them skate around the rink. That's it. They just skated around the rink making some really light shots at the net. And I must admit, I got teary eyed too.

I was thinking about this experience lately and I had to ask myself the obvious question - why do I give a fuck?

On the innocence of youth

While surfing the information super highway I came across a headline and story that shook my faith in humanity.

Gun in backpack wounds 10-year-old boy.

Here's a quick summary: A 17 year old boy in Seattle was approached by a 10 year old and other juveniles on a bus. The younger kids demanded the 17 year old give them his money and when he refused the 10 year old reached into his bag to pull out a gun. The 17 year old fought with the 10 year old and the gun went off shooting the 10 year old in the arm. Kid's in the hospital but will be ok.

Now there are a lot of aspects of this story that I can only speculate on but there are a lot of interesting questions to be answered here. How did the 10 year old get the gun? Why was the 17 year old targeted? And let's not forget most importantly, how the fuck did a 10 year old get a gun!?!

On flying kites in Toronto

Have you ever been walking through a park and found a piece of string caught in the bushes or hanging from a tree? Me neither. But apparently if you do see these strings they come from a practice called "Kite Fighting", where two nerds battle for air supremacy by trying to cut the strings of competitors' kites with their own. I'm pretty sure we won't be seeing highlights of this grueling sport on TSN any time soon but that doesn't mean the sport doesn't have it's followers. So many followers that the City of Toronto has placed a ban on flying kites in Milliken Park. Anyone caught flying a kite will face a fine of $100 dollars. Their reason is the strings are affecting local wildlife and maintenance workers who don't have the municipal budget to afford scissors.

On making notes

Your handwriting is like the meanderings of a drunken spider.

My ninth grade geography teacher told me that. Honestly. Yet despite his accurate observation I've always been a fan of writing in notebooks when working on anything creative. Laptops are too impractical for me. They need to be charged, they can't be in the sun, they get hot and burn your nuts while possibly sterilizing your semen, etc. That's too much bullshit for me. But one advantage laptops do have is the ability to easily back up your work.

On Billy Crystal and druggy hobos (Billy Crystal-Meth)

A writer writes - always.

Billy Crystal told me that. Ok maybe he didn't tell me that personally but he definitely said it to Danny DeVito in a movie. But in this case let's pretend he said to me. Well actually, now that I think about it, Billy Crystal may not have even been the first person to say that.

Whatever, my point is that a writer writes. However, while that technically fulfills the definition of "writer" I feel it's not enough. I propose an addition to Mr. Crystal's words of wisdom.

A writer shares.

I'm probably not the first one to say that, but you can go ahead and credit me anyway (maybe I should tell Danny DeVito?). And since I coined the expression I felt I should actually do that by making this blog. But enough about that. We have more serious things to talk about.

If Batman gives a hobo a couple hundred dollars and the hobo uses it to buy smack and dies from an overdose, is Batman responsible?

Believe it or not that actually happened in a Batman comic recently. Seriously. And it kind of bugged me because in the book they never address it after the hobo dies. The story just moves along like nothing happened. However if Batman had given the Riddler the cash and he died from the overdose, it'd be a flagship book and the next 11 issues after it would be all about whether or not Batman is responsible.



I'll be honest, I have no problem with the hobo dieing from a smack overdose. I mean when you think about it it's a great message for kids - doing drugs will make you a hobo and/or dead. But it just rubbed me the wrong way that no one, not even Batman, seemed to care after that point.

I don't know, maybe I like hobos just a little bit more than that.