In defence of Michael Bay or how I learned to stop worrying and love this bomb

When Bad Boys 2 director Michael Bay took the stage at this year's Nickelodeon Upfront conference people weren't expecting him to rock the online community. Yet all it took was one little announcement that the upcoming live action Ninja Turtles movie will feature aliens and not mutants for the whole internet to cry foul. And by foul, I of course mean "rape".  Not long after Bay made his announcement tweets and facebook statuses began flaring up all over the web exclaiming that Michael Bay was "raping their childhood" at worst and claiming he was ruining a beloved franchise at best. 


However, even as a life-long TMNT fan I couldn't help but find myself agreeing with Bay that we all need to "take a breath and chill". Here are the three main reasons why I think you should too.


#3 Michael Bay can't ever rape your childhood

Michael Bay - alleged time travelling rapist.

While I've never met the man I'm quite confident that Michael Bay doesn't own a time machine. I'm also quite confident that you lived a comfortable childhood and were never molested by a single high profile movie executive. But of course, that's not what you mean by rape. You just  mean he's ruining something you loved.  It's unfortunate however that it already happened when you were still a child.

Does nobody else remember how awful Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles became? The first TMNT movie was an amazing flick. It had action, it was gritty and it made you feel like a bad ass after watching it. The sequel, Secret of the Ooze, was fun, far less violent but still felt like it was part of the overall franchise. The third movie, simply titled Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3, was a atrocious steaming pile of crap. It took the Turtles out of gritty New York City and brought them to medieval Japan where Shredder was replaced by some ponce with a parrot. The witty humour was gone and the action was less "action" and more "rolling around". They even brought back series favourite Casey Jones, not to kick ass, but to babysit.

And don't even get me started on the live action TV show Ninja Turtles: The Next Mutation.

Hey I know exactly what the Ninja Turtles need; boobs!

As much as myself or any other kid loved the Turtles I don't think there can be much of an argument that the original TMNT craze ended on a high note.

#2 Michael Bay probably isn't who you're angry at to begin with
There are a lot of people involved in creating a movie and it doesn't get any worse than with a franchise. Studios, license holders and producers all want a say and feel they all can add just the thing to turn a John Carter sized flop into an Avatar sized return. Who knows who came up with the whole "aliens" idea. Michael Bay is just the messenger. For all we know he's screaming at some Nickelodeon producer every day about this decision. So let's stop shitting on the guy until we know who's bright idea it was to create this change in the first place, alright?

Of course it's still ok to shit on Bay for helping resurrect
Donny Osmond's career by directing the music
video for Soldier of Love.

#1 All of this has happened before and it will all happen again

Remember how awesome and universally loved the 2004 remake of Battlestar Galactica was? Well, not everyone does. While our generation was having a fraking good time with our new beloved BSG our parents were bitching and moaning about GINO (Galactica in Name Only). You can't make everyone happy and when the producers of the new BSG made some drastic changes to the original tv series the original fans were just as pissed off about the Cylons new human appearance and Starbuck's new vagina as TMNT fans are pissed at this new origin story. 

I still prefer original Starbuck's haircut though..

But you know what, just as with BSG, it doesn't matter. You will always be able to get a copy of the original TMNT movies, cartoons and comics. Just because a new version exists doesn't mean the old one gets tossed away forever. Your version of TMNT is still your version. If you don't like the new one just ignore it. It's that simple.

And can we please stop calling people who re-make geek stuff as "childhood rapists"? It's just creepy, and chances are you were a chubby kid and no one wanted to rape you anyway. 

2010 Valentine's Day rant

I've been sad for the past month.

Not because V-Day was approaching and I knew I'd have to experience yet another month of cupids and flowers and hearts and other cardboard crap cluttering up the world.

On our robot overlords

So last night I was watching the documentary Spellbound which is about the annual national spelling bee competition in the United States. I had no idea this thing was such a big deal. These kids are incredibly stressed (well except for this one kid who I felt could have used a nice dose of Ritalin) and there's actually a feeling of celebrity and importance around the winner. Now the documentary is 10 years old but I imagine not much has changed since then in regards to the spelling bee industry. However I couldn't help thinking, does it fucking matter anymore?

We live in an age of technology where a lot of people carry a device around connected to a limitless source of information. Want to know the difference between ignorant and arrogant? Bam, there it is. Writing a long e-mail to the law enforcement explaining the strange sounds coming from your basement and need to know how to properly spell onomatopoeia? Your computer does it for you. Trying to figure out why in your sex life the female orgasm is as mythical as unicorns? There are a million sites willing to let you know (hint: you're doing it wrong).

Every day we seem to be getting closer to lending our memory of what was once common knowledge to Google and Wikipedia. 20% of Americans believe their president (who was criticized for his church's pastor's comments during the elections) is a Muslim and a staggering 50% of Canadian 9th graders think that there is a known cure for HIV/AIDS. (note: can't find a site online with that stat, I got it from an AIDS prevention poster)

As a culture we have more access to information than at any other point in history but our general ignorance seems to have actually increased. Or maybe it's just we're using our memory for things that don't even matter. More people can tell you that Krypton is the home of Superman than Iqaluit is the capital of the largest territory in the country.

Possibly the most concerning part of all of this is we don't even know how all this amazing technology works, we just know that it does and we trust it. It comforts us knowing that if we really wanted to know about any specific topic we can look it up in 5 seconds. But do we ever learn anything this way?

Or maybe I'm out of line and misinformed about the general public. I really don't know anymore and Google doesn't seem to have the answer.

On space popes

I had to use this picture of Mork not
because it's another Happy Days
reference but because it came up
when I Google image searched
Jesus alien.

First off I apologize for the lack of updates this month. I have no excuse. I'm sorry. And I missed you too.

But let's get straight into the greatest headline I've read during the absence.

Pope's Astronomer Would Baptize Aliens

Ok hold on. The pope still has an astronomer?! Why do I picture some dude standing on top of the Vatican with a telescope hollering down every hour; "Nope, don't see God yet! No, no angels either. Yes sir I'll look harder!" 

I wonder if that guy's still pissed off about the Galileo thing? You know like as a professional courtesy. Like how I stopped eating Kellog's cereal after they dropped Michael Phelps because I enjoy swimming (or something like that). Of course what's most interesting about the article is the latter half of the headline.

Guy Consolmagno, the papal astronomer in question, states that he would gladly baptize any intelligent alien we may come in contact with so long as they ask to be baptized. Now there's something the Catholic church is known for - asking permission.

All kidding aside the reason I found this article so fascinating is the idea that there's not only a rational intelligent human being inside the Vatican but he's also a man of science. Now I'm not a Catholic (I'm an agnostic aka 'Atheism LE') and I don't support the Catholic church. However I do know a lot of Catholics and it bugs me that a lot of good people are lumped in with pedophiles and a crazy old man who thinks the Nazis are still a threat and also hides aforementioned pedophiles. It's nice to see there's at least one person at the Vatican who comes off as someone people can actually relate to.

Then again if it takes the Catholic church to baptize an alien before I get behind them that may say a lot more about me than them. But they would immediately lose me if they started hiding pedophile aliens.

On crazy bitches

Now I don't like the general use of the word 'bitch' used in place of the word 'woman' but it can't be denied that some women are crazy bitches. Just as some men are assholes, some frat boys are douche-bags and some babies are fugly. Today my friend Bayley, who is female and totally not a crazy bitch, led me to an article about one from California.

Forty-nine year old Dr. Jacquelyn Kotarac (that's right - doctor) was found dead the other day in her boyfriend's chimney after she jumped down it in an attempt to confront him.

On judicial sex

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On sex parties (no keys required)

Fun fact for old people!
Most people don't even know who
Chachi is anymore or why Joanie
loves him.

Did you know Optimus Prime died 24 years ago? It's true! The Transformers animated movie came out in 1986 and featured Optimus Prime's death. You know what else happened in 1986? I was born. What's the connection? Absolutely nothing, but I like reminding some of my older readers that they're old.

So old in fact that I've noticed a strange thing happening with my friends. A few of them have started getting married or having children or buying a house or participating in other activities I normally associate with actual adults.

This concerned me quite a bit today when I realized that these activities could lead to me being invited to my very first sex party.